Why holding on to pain can feel so easy…and letting go so hard
I usually liked my old pain. I tended to hold it for quite some time. As a sensitive woman I can get hurt pretty quickly – especially when being “attacked” unexpectedly.
As a sensitive woman I am also usually prepared for every possible event – mostly the bad ones. But when I am already stressed and overwhelmed my energy field tends to be a little thinner and gets holey. This is the moment when an attack hurts me most. This need not necessarily be hostile – the other person might just have a bad day or is not that mindful anyways and crosses my invisible boundaries.
Once the line is passed, it’s like a shock to me and I just want to leave the situation immediately. If I can’t, I get silent and withdraw emotionally from it until I am able to get out. But the damage is already done and the suffering really starts afterwards.
I start blaming myself why I did not speak up, not have defended myself and let this happen to me! Guilt, shame, anger, rage, being hurt – all those emotions mix together to a grey, ugly sticky and heavy feeling of not being enough, unworthy and weak. I had not protected myself enough, letting other people kick me around.
I bet all of you know how that really feels. But somehow it also feels familiar. Because you had that feeling already so many times and for some weird reason you maybe think, you would deserve it anyways. So you keep this pain in your body, because you are used to! And what you are used to, feels easy. And you let the pain pile up, hold onto, because in the meanwhile it really belongs to you. Letting go of this negative energy now feels unnatural and difficult.
I did this with a lot of my “casual” pain. And somehow it had served me well. Blaming others for what they do is easier then working on your own shadows. So it had a function - keeping me in my old way of behavior. And it made me feel heavy and depressed.
But my last mega pain was a real breakthrough for me! All of it kicked in: the blaming, the shame, the anger… I suffered for days! It was horrible. And after all the screaming and complaining about everything and everyone – I asked my soul honestly for the very first time: does this pain serve me? And this time the clear answer was NO.
And this clear NO was the permission to let it go. Just don’t hold onto it, no need to keep it. This was the moment I realized how much energy it had already taken from me! I would have stayed bound to the past situation and my life energy would have fed it further. Letting go of this not serving pain was just pure relief. It freed my energy for the good stuff I really need it for.
It took me a whole life to realize that I can free pain which does not serve me! I do not need to keep it, I do not need to carry it or transform it. I can just let it got back into the universal energy field and clear space for the joyful, nourishing, brilliant stuff out there!
So is it time for you to de-clutter your energy body as well?