I think I had never been closer to my true self then in the darkest times of my life. When it was most difficult, the most embodied I was.
There was no access, not addition, no add on, no distraction. The more fragile I got, the more vulnerable, the more authentic I was, true, clear.
When we have the chance to hide away, we will probably do, because it’s not so easy to be present and vulnerable. And it takes courage not to hide.
There are situations in our lives; we don’t need to, because we have really nothing to lose.
All we have is out there, just now. There is no real tomorrow and the past is too bitter sweet to cling to.
But these times are a treasure – although I could not see it in the first time. I was just struggling, so afraid and terrified, desperate, that I would not be able to make it maybe!
I was living from day to day. No plans, just hopes and dreams. That was the time I stumbled about Pema Chödrön. Her books were just amazing and she was the teacher I really needed at that time! She made me understand what it means to lose what you are clinging to and be thrown back on yourself. And what it needs to go to the places you are really, really afraid of.
I had no choice. I had to go. No bypassing, no avoiding. These days had been over.
Now was the time. Now. No other time. Just now.
Once you enter this land, this unknown raum, everything is possible, but it is absolutely terrifying.
What if I am too weak? What if I will fail to survive? What if I don’t find support?
Well, I lost all my money and got into debt. Luckily I was able to keep my apartment somehow. And after a while I found a new job; got some feet on the ground. But all this had changed me a lot. I had never felt that deeply before and never was that fragile and vulnerable. This was 7.5 years of Sadi-sade and just afterwards I learned what had happened to me. But without it I would not have this incredible rich harvest of learning’s, feelings, softness.
Life is exposing yourself to it fully….and surrender in the end. Life doesn’t happen to you – it happens for you.