It’s about 20 years now that I am working consciously on my personal development. I did all sorts of trainings, coachings, therapy but still always had the idea that I need to fix something, that I am not right, how I am.
No wonder – in our society being born in a female body means that you are less worth, not perfect, need to be changed, optimized, are not as resilient as a man. Thousands of years of patriarchy and misogyny, the indoctrination that women have been made of a man’s rib or are responsible for the original sin, have caused unspeakable destruction and suffering. Although some progress has been made thanks to our female ancestors and many courageous women, we are still not equal to man. And the optimizing industry keeps on telling us how we should look like, behave, what to wear and to do to be accepted.
So after all those years of trying to fix something and a lot of grief and shadow work, there suddenly was a thought in my head. “It is not my fault”. Feeling damaged and not ok is not my fault. What happened was not my fault. It was nobody’s fault. It just happened. And there is nothing to fix.
When I was a view days old, I had to be brought to a hospital for treatment, alone, without my parents. It was a life threatening situation and everybody did their best to keep me on this earth. This true emergency had traumatized me. Over the years and with the help of my coach Swati, I have uncovered the layers of this trauma. And just quite recently I have read an article by Elizabeth Gordon on Elephant Journal about the three core wounds and what they mean for a human experiencing it. This was the final puzzle piece for me.
The danger of rejection, abandonment and betrayal is deeply anchored in our human DNA, because it is life threatening to be alone and separate from the tribe, feeling unwanted. In my case this was not true of course, but as a new born baby I had not the chance to process this experience. But now I finally understood on a very deep level, that there is nothing to fix. My reaction to what happened was completely natural and normal. For so long I had punished myself, because obviously all the work I had done wasn’t enough to feel whole. Again – not good enough, not worked hard enough, still incomplete and damaged. But this wasn’t true! It was not my fault. This sentence was lingering on and on in my mind and it was incredible! Suddenly I felt so light and joyful - like I had discovered a real treasure. Finally there was nothing to fix.
I could love me just as I am. This was so new for me! And it is radical. It is so radical for a woman to accept herself as whole, when the world around her has a lot of opinions what she should change or do differently, seeking to control her emotions to keep her stuck in a feeling of incompleteness. Even more, the self hate in this world right now seems overwhelming. It’s also more satisfying and easier for people who hate themselves, when others do the same, because they are much easier to control. And if they punish themselves – even better.
That is why I believe the radical self love is very subversive, because it takes back the power to yourself and makes you independent from the judgment of others. You are always enough, always fine, always complete. If there is nothing to fix, all attacks from outside won’t matter.
I have integrated a very early childhood trauma and left behind the idea for being damaged. I am practicing radical self love now every day and it makes me so much happier, more light and relaxed. And I can feel that people around me react differently. It’s like my frequency, my signature has changed. And it can encourage others to feel different as well.
Oh yes, I have discovered a treasure by healing an old core wound. It opens a new space of possibilities, new ways of reacting and a new path for me.